Inside the four walls

I wonder what it is like to think about writing something other than grief, loss, and the pain I now suffer each day.

Today I struggled to get out of bed. Some mornings I lie there thinking my heart is going to give way. I don’t know if that is the weight of the sadness, or the actual physical struggle it now has to survive.

But eventually I got up.

Today was one of those days where I didn’t want to face anything — not the world, not my list of jobs, not even the people I love.

I sat on the couch feeling numb, but also feeling safe within the four walls of my house. Here I can sit with my grief. Here is where no one can see me. There is no pretending, no showing up, just breathing — watching the birds, watching the fire, watching life pass me by.

Some days surviving grief doesn’t look brave or inspiring. Sometimes it just looks like getting out of bed and making it to the couch.